I can?t think of a better way to talk about same gender love and the taboo it generates than to employ Aristotle, as my spirit guide.
You may recall the Aristotelian series of books or logical treatises called the Organon. These works totaled six, in all, and though they didn?t attempt to establish truth; they were meant to ascertain a ?structure? of truth. Moreover, the Organon, the ?instrument,? was a collection from which people could argue or talk correctly in order to convince others (as you will see in each book?s premises below).
But wait a minute! Convince others? of what?
Well, central to the pages of the Organon assertions were applied at Lyceum to question verity, detail, and fiction about the world at that time. And similarly, we have specific cultural fictions, too, about our own world; these enlist gay and lesbian children to maintain their own invisibility, well into their lives.
All parents want their children to grow up to become healthy, loving adults, right? And yet, beginning from the time gay and lesbian children are born, they cannot locate themselves authentically in their families, their culture, and in some cases their own relationships. Want to know more?
Follow me down to Book One.
Book One: Categories
Aristotle intended this book to spell out things that could be expressed without composition or structure.
This neatly describes how it feels to live as gay or lesbian in the United States, at least, since the advent of television.
Gays and lesbians grow up flooded by heterosexist images of coupling. They do not see themselves on network television as happy, successful, partnered, or satisfied. In fact, they do not even exist in commercials. When gay people are depicted in film or television, they are portrayed as seditious, impulsive, or one dimensional.
Gay people are not represented as responsible contributing members to their local communities who desire long term relationships with healthy families of their own; they are written as caricatures.
So I ask Ari: Where are the realistic and positive gay role models, coaches, teachers, preachers, and parents on TV and radio?? The silence is deafening.
Infidelity springs out of dissociation from this onslaught of mixed messages and hidden role models. Gays and lesbians live out of partially buried narratives, because they are socialized to exist, invisibly.
Book Two: On Interpretation
Aristotle?s second book inspires the connection between language and logic. ?It explores associations between the affirmative, negative, universal and particular propositions.
- When gay and lesbian children do not see themselves represented in coloring books, videos, games or dolls, they restructure who they believe themselves to be, creating a false self.
- With years of being this false self, gay and lesbian teens are unable to try out important socializing roles, self-disciplinary techniques, and self-defining vocabulary of who they are and want to be. How then, do they learn to openly express, coordinate, integrate or challenge ideas about what a healthy lesbian or gay partner will be when they grow up?
- And with years of stifling and disallowing their true voice; where will these young gays and lesbians develop trust and grounding skills to be experienced enough to operate from a place of self-advocacy and empathy with a partner later in life?
Unlike their heterosexual teen counterparts who can safely date in the open, go to prom, show public displays of affection, and develop healthy judgment by practicing open communication skills; young gays and lesbians are not permitted to describe exactly who they are and wish to be.
Gay and lesbian teens are restricted from public participation as being: gay and lesbian. And they are not invited by their parents, teachers, coaches, neighbors or clergy to authentically express genuine feelings towards those whom they truly desire.
Therefore, opportunities to learn how to control and direct impulses are not available, supported, or encouraged.
Infidelity springs from a yearning to be mirrored at any cost and sustains feelings of inauthenticity that get compounded through guilt and shame. The true pursuit lies not in wanting to be unfaithful, but rather, in wanting to be with someone who honestly cares for them.
Book Three: Prior Analytics
This book presents Analysis as the process of finding reasoned ?facts? through the use of syllogism.
Syllogism is a fancy word whose meaning merely equates to ?reckoning.? It utilizes a three part harmony to construct logic by employing a major premise and a minor premise. All one need do is come up with two generalized assertions, put them together, and out comes a particular statement.
Major Premise: To be gay is aberrant, disgusting, perverted and unnatural.
Minor Premise: I am gay.
Therefore: I am aberrant, disgusting, perverted and unnatural
Infidelity springs from incomplete, assembled, and biased information that promotes projection.? For gays and lesbians, culture discourages open dialogue and enforces devaluation of the lesbian or gay self through constructs that engender one?s lack of character. This gets converted into self-destructive and collusive behavior such as affairs; and, in turn, gives a gay or lesbian partner who is cheating/or being cheated on something to really feel bad about.
Book Four: Posterior Analytics
Preferred demonstrations are affirmative to those that are negative; universal to the particular; and to that which is direct rather than to that which is of a reductio ad absurdum.
Hold on Aristotle??Universal truths? create enveloping misnomers such as: ?family values,? and ?liberty and justice for all,? where each statement holds implicit, but absent meanings.
Take a look!
Unlike their heterosexual counterparts:
- Gays and lesbians have no legal protections in regard to partner related medical decision- making, no spousal insurance coverage, or partner inheritance.
- Gays and lesbians have no legal recognitions such as marriage or child custody.
- Gays and lesbians cannot receive fiduciary compensation in ?divorce,? dismemberment, spousal support, or loss of employment.
- And gays and lesbians are not included in policy related to public family shelters, health care, or social services
Infidelity springs from a lack of cohesion; and an escape from unprotected obligations and mandated responsibilities, because there is no real actualized independence.
Book Five: Topics
Describes the invention and discovery of arguments in which propositions rest upon commonly-held opinions
In America, there is no one size fits all, so whose opinions are we talking about?
Well, loyalties get divided among orientation, culture, family identity, gender roles, class, and education. Here?s how:
Ethnically, gays and lesbians must negotiate their public, private, and familial identities. Cultural meanings about gays and lesbians are different with diverse racial and ethnic groups, as well. For racially mixed couples, what is accepted or tolerated by one partner about homosexuality, gender- presentation, or being ?out,? may be rejected by the other partner or his family of origin.
Therefore, many gays and lesbians must negotiate and make sacrifices with ?commonly held? privileges such as: leases, the purchasing of homes; attending family holiday events; bringing a partner for support to ?memorial services; or even being forbidden to attend their own partner?s funeral.
And whereas some acculturated families may struggle to support their gay family members, oftentimes, even though these families have come around to acknowledging the couple, they expect the gay couple to behave or live in traditionally heterosexual ways.
- Gay and lesbian partners become challenged by traditional means of coupledom and might feel emotionally unable to trust their significant other enough to pool resources, much less reside together (sometimes for years). This arises out of personal scripts based on historically lived-forms of rejection, imposed self-support, or perhaps a renewed effort to convey the true self.
In such cases, families withdraw their version of support, when they discover what is actually real: a gay or lesbian partner to whom they, the partner, and society have unfortunately colluded in the making of in the first place- who feels alienated, excluded, and unsupported in the ways they need support.
Infidelity springs out of the gay or lesbian having no knowledge of how to create boundaries that others respect, or will much less be willing to sign up for. Boundaries must be established and reestablished in a variety of social systems by gays and lesbians. Doing so is essential, although, not necessarily healthy for the well-being of each partner or for the relationship.
Book Six: Sophistical Refutations
Aristotle cast verbal fallacies and material fallacies for discussion.
Here are some fallacies that fall into an internecine approach for gays and lesbians, and their families?
- The intentions of many gay and lesbian couples are disqualified with a tactic used by co-workers, friends and family that suggest that their relationship is merely in a ?stage;? as if heterosexuality was the only legitimate form of expressing Eros.
- It becomes the couple?s task to verify and legitimize their relationship amidst this lack of external validation by family, or publically recognized means. At these times, homophobia can turn inward and homoprejudice can be projected onto the partner out of shame and frustration. These wounds counter healthy identity formation and identity management for each partner.
- In Western culture, men are socialized to be independent and women are socialized to be empathetic. With same gender loving couples sometimes there is no middle ground, and couples risk enmeshment or disengagement.
On the other hand, the gay man who expresses a need for closeness may get shamed by his partner as both have had to navigate their own sexuality, surreptitiously. Each has developed skills at being emotionally contained, and neither is experienced at being emotionally dependent on anyone else (see Book Two: On Interpretation).
The result becomes a partner who is unable to adjust, and then one or both partners look outside of the relationship for answers.
In blended families many gays and lesbians with a developed false self ?pass? as straight in the heterosexual world. This masking of sexual identity disrupts social identity development in a genuine manner, and disallows for authentic modeling for children in these families, as well.
Infidelity springs out of the ?false self? who seeks a sense of connectedness, while it simultaneously deepens a sense of separateness from one?s true self, in the process. Couples in various stages of the coming out process encounter tremendous amounts of strain on their relationship; at times, causing partners to access compatibility similar to their own comfort level of (in)visibility.
The Moral of the Story is?
In some situations, describing why gay and lesbian partners stray, has to do with a sense that they are not being seen for whom they truly are.
This piece is an attempt to help gays and lesbians (as well as those who live, work, and play with them) to consider the variety of components that promote unhealthy choices. The six aforementioned areas all give rise to emotional stressors over the course of one?s gay life time.
Love involves others, and its beauty can be a place to find acceptance, achievement, commitment, and ironically, self-acceptance.
So do something unexpected whether you?re gay or straight
What is helpful to the longevity and soundness of gay and lesbian coupling is having affirmative friends and family. We are in a historical bend and what we do and how we do it here at the beginning of this century, will be the baseline of measurement, hereafter.
Even if you don?t understand some of the nuances above that you may actually be a part of, that?s okay. ?What this tells you, at the very least, is where you?re starting from. We all grow as individuals.
Become willing to stand by your queer friends or kin, and love them because these gay and lesbian people are just that? people.
About the author
Kristin F. Jones is a Queer identified Marriage and Family Therapist Intern with a certified specialization in LGBTQ populations. She is under the supervision of John Sovec, LMFT, and she offers psychotherapy to individuals, couples, families, and adolescents of all ages, ethnicities, gender identities, and sexualities.
Kristin works on a sliding fee-scale.? She also works collaboratively with clients who are impacted by anxiety, depression, grief, shame or guilt. She practices at the Counseling Center at Phillips Graduate Institute in Chatsworth, California.
To contact, please visit this link Kristin F. Jones Therapy
No related posts.
texas tornado fantasy baseball st louis cardinals jared sullinger jaleel white levi johnston 2013 srt viper
No comments:
Post a Comment
Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.